True Love: Being Happy Together Pt I

When we talk about the topic of True Love: Being Happy Together … this includes moving from selfishness to companionship, becoming together, interpersonal communion, the gift of each other, welcoming and accepting each other, attentiveness and truthfulness, sharing yourself with each other, making sacrifices for each other, making room for each other in each other’s life, forgiving each other and asking for forgiveness, comforting and helping each other heal, being at the service of the other, having courage and taking action.

1. From Selfishness to Companionship

When we move from Selfishness to the Divine, and allowing Divine Love to radiate through our relationship, we are grounded in Companionship instead of Selfishness. Being grounded in Companionship, your interactions go from selfishness to friendship, leading to companionship, and deeper love - true love and deeper intimacy (albeit there are many forms of intimacy). Friendship moves to deeper love/ true love- into a relationship when a couple begins to love as God loves. This love is based on self-giving love. In self-giving love, each person takes the first step towards growth in love. Growth in love requires making changes, and growing in loving action. Remember love grows love, and goodness invites goodness. When a couple looks to Christ for strength (and through prayer), they are able to overcome their challenges together, forgive each other, bear one another’s burdens, love each other with supernatural, tender, love.

2. “Becoming” Together

It is in this growth together that you “become” together. As you become together, you are a gift for each other. God has given you as a gift to each other, just as Adam and Eve were a gift to each other in the garden of Eden. God created Adam and Eve to be together, and God created each a special gift to each other to share and to meet each other’s most deepest needs, a companion, a helper, a mate, where both find fulfillment in each other and happiness together. Being that gift to each other is how God designed relationships to be. In a married relationship, this is God’s desire for you, and your relationship is a reflection of the happiness to come in eternal life. When we say “yes” to marriage, your mission in life is to let God’s purpose and mysterious plan be fulfilled through the love you have for each other. In this, and because of your belief and your belief in each other, couples and individuals are able to overcome their imperfections.

When you switch from Selfishness to a grounded a relationship that is grounded in Christ and faith, your “I’s” become “We.” - - You go from choosing to do what “I” want when “I” want, without any regard for its impact on your spouse or relationship. Instead of placing “me” at the center of the relationship it is “us” and “we”. This is when we move from ego-centric tendencies to self-giving love, as Christ loves the Church, and true love. At the base of this is the gospel verse “Love one another, as I have loved you.” Remember Christ welcomed others, paid attention to their needs, forgave their sins, comforted and healed them, washed their feet in service to them, and died on the cross for him (that is how great Christ’s love for the church was and is). That is how true love is and how great your love is to be for your spouse. Within this relationship your behaviors will lead you to grow in love for each other and for God in spite of the difficulties you may encounter. Becoming Together includes:

welcoming and accepting the other person ~ your spouse. Being attentive and truthful to the other person ~ your spouse. Sacrifice to make room for the other person in your life/ your spouse in your life. Forgiving the other person ~ your spouse - and asking for forgiveness. Comforting and helping the other person ~ your spouse to heal. Serve God and the other person - your spouse generously.

As you engage in these, you will become: patient and tolerant instead of short-tempered and demanding, understanding instead of critical and sarcastic, willing to accommodate your spouse’s wishes instead of wanting your way all the time, honest instead of deceitful, forgiving instead of holding a grudge and seeking revenge, attentive to your spouse’s needs instead of being self-absorbed. This type of a relationship reflects the divine life.

Through this “becoming” together you “become” more of who you truly are and who God has called you to be. And you become who you are meant to become as a couple. As you continue to grow in your relationship and marriage with each other, remember the parts you really enjoyed: recall how you met, the important days in your life. Remember the moments that brought you joy. This will help you make adjustments in the future. Remember the trials you have gone through and overcome together as a couple, as well as the joys. Remember the special times of passion you have had with each other, the comfort you have received in each other’s friendship and the deep peace you have experienced in each other’s company. Celebrate with rituals- intentionally do things that strengthen your relationship. Create rituals that will help you stay focused on each other. Marriage rituals, like date night, and other events are activities you choose to do together on a regular basis. During anniversaries, remember your story, celebrate what you mean to each other and thank God for the gift of each other and all the wonderful moments in your relationship.

3. Interpersonal Communion

Through time, your relationship will go from companionship to interpersonal communion. The relationship, founded on companionship that turns into interpersonal communion stays together because of the goodness each spouse finds in the other. Your “I” goes to “us” and “we.” It is common that when you first meet your true love you are enraptured by them, and see all of their good and wonderful qualities, however once married, and spending more time around each other you begin to see the “imperfect.” True love also embraces the imperfections, limitations, and shortcomings. In true love this goodness is worth the sacrifice and accommodation needed to preserve it. Bosio states “The beauty and the goodness you see in your spouse are the fingerprints left by the Artist when each of you was created in his image as male and female. That goodness and beauty are God’s gift to you, a touch of his grace. They are the gift you promised to share with each other and to cherish together…..It is unfortunate that pride and selfishness sometimes cause you to hid your own goodness from each other.”

It is in these times that you have to choose to remember the good and the goodness that you and your possess… through this, you find the strength to overcome mistakes and grow in courage and deeper love with each other, despite each other’s imperfections. The following reflective questions are beneficial when you find you are stuck … ask yourself:

“What is it that I like the most about my spouse? What does my spouse like about me? Are there times when I hide my goodness from my spouse? Why do I do so? How do I share the best of myself with my spouse?” ~ remember the goodness that you experience in your marriage is a value to be cherished, protected and nurtured. The feelings of joy from your marriage are a reflection of the divine, a glimpse of eternal life here on earth. This deep joy that is experienced is a reflection of divine joy, the joy in the garden first experienced by Adam and Eve and a reflection of our original innocence… the deep intimacy we had with God as creator, but also that Adam and Eve had with each other before they ate of the tree. This is a reflection of what Adam and Eve felt in the garden - each found the person who could fill their incompleteness (Gn 2:23). When Adam and Eve saw each other, the saw the the goodness and beauty of their masculinity and femininity and God was pleased, giving the command for them go bear fruit and multiply. And God saw all that he had made, and that it was very good (Gn 1:31).

God created Adam and Eve in complimentary to each other ~ to be with and for each other. They were created as a mutual gift for each other. This is to be a gift freely given and accepted, the core dynamic of the marital relationship is the reciprocal self-giving of the spouses. This transforms the relationship of two individuals into an intimate union and interpersonal communion - when it is freely given and freely accepted. When life comes together in this way, and are an interpersonal communion, the couple feels intense delight, and a feeling of joy that gives them the energy and courage to face together whatever lies ahead. Additionally, they desire to give so much of themselves to each other that they open themselves up to God and to the gift of parenthood. They continue to grow in love, in love passion, exuberance, and courage. Overcoming things together deepens their interpersonal communion. When your relationship is an interpersonal communion you fulfill the desire of the heart that every human being has, to find communion, tenderness, love and being loved through a physical presence (that which is reflected more deeply in the Eucharist). In this type of relationship you are with each other and for each other. You compliment each other and share your own goodness with each other, and the gift of yourself with each other.

4. The Gift of Each Other

The gift of each other continues throughout your marriage with each other and deep interpersonal communion will continue with each other … but sometimes things can cloud the way, or tempt us to not grow in this interpersonal communion, and seeing the other as a gift or not appreciating the other as a gift. In these moments, it is important to remember both people in the relationship are just human. People say the wrong things, make wrong choices or decisions, and sometimes are selfish. One of the quickest ways out of this mindset is to ask the question: “What is good for us?, What is good for our spouse? What is good for our relationship? What is good for our family?” When someone in the relationship becomes selfish or engages in selfish acts it causes the good feelings each person has for each other to dwindle, and the couple will begin to drift apart… and causes unhappiness in the relationship… or worse. When the person in the relationship is acting out of selfishness, the individual doesn’t just turn their back on their spouse, but on God as well, because at that moment they stop being for and with each other. They started being separate from each other and only looking out for oneself instead of looking out for each other. We also see this reflected in the Garden of Eden as Adam blamed Eve instead of standing by her in the Garden when God questioned him, and when Eve blamed the serpent, trying to excuse herself. In their disobedience they stopped being a gift to each other. Their attitude was no longer “I care about you, I am here with you and for you, to love you and defend you.” (48) Instead, they became self-centered, shattering the “we.” While selfishness is the root of hurt or discord in a relationship and painful… there is hope and every person can overcome selfishness (your inherited weakness from Adam and Eve in the Garden).

True love is the love that you naturally crave that is made in the image and likeness of God, and is a mirror of God / image of God, as God made us to be loving beings, and created for love… True love is self-giving love and a quality of divine life. True love is the act of being with and for each other -unconditionally. It is reflection of the Divine Love God has shown to humanity through the gift of Christ, but also the love God showed for his people in Israel in the OT… the OT even describes this love.. by stating the type of love that a husband should have for a wife; as God’s relationship with his people is like a marriage (Isa 54:5,10)

Self-giving love is the love that Jesus showed to humanity, through his Incarnation, when he came to be with us and for us, and during his public ministry. He welcomed all people including the poor, sinners, and children, was attentive to their needs, cured the blind, healed the sick, taught others how to serve God and one another. He forgave, and asked others to forgive, as well as sacrificed for us on the cross. Christ continues to be with us through the gift of the Holy Spirit today. The Holy Spirit is present, visible and tangible, in the sacraments and religious rituals in the church as well. The sacraments are a gift that were freely given to us by God through Christ and his bride, the Church. In these sacraments, and expressions of Divine love, Christ is present to his bride, the church through words, symbols, and embracing, kissing, holding, healing, cleansing, and saving her (Eucharist, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick, Holy Orders, and Matrimony). It is in these that Jesus shows his love to us… but also that the church is called to love Jesus… and husbands and wives are to love each other (love one another, as I have loved you Jn15:12)… that being, your marriage is to be like all the sacraments…

“In sacraments Christ gives himself to us and we give ourselves to him. In this mutual self-giving we grow in communion with God and one another. It is by our communion with him that we learn the meaning of true love. It is through the grace we receive from his Spirit that we find the strength to resist our tendency to be self-centered, and we learn to love as Christ loves. (Bosio52). Bosio has found there are 6 steps on the path of love - 6 key attitudes and behaviors that are a blueprint for a happy marriage and that are an expression of true love for each other and true joy:

1. Welcome your spouse as Christ welcomes the church: just as Christ welcomes us (Baptism), his church into God’s kingdom, husbands and wives are to welcome each other and accept and respect each person’s gift. …. I welcome you and accept you.

2. Remain present and attentive to your spouse as Christ is to the church: Just as Christ binds us to himself through the Holy Spirit in the sacrament of Confirmation, husband and wives are to seal their hearts to each other with the promise of unending presence and faithful honesty….. I am attentive and truthful, always.

3. Sacrifice yourself for your spouse as Christ sacrifices himself for the church: Just as Christ sacrificed himself on the cross the for us and shares himself with us in the Eucharist, husbands and wives are to die to their selfish interests to make room for the other in their life. ….I sacrifice and make room for you in my life.

4. Forgive your spouse as Christ forgives the church: Just as Jesus forgives (Reconciliation) husbands and wives are to forgive each other and ask for forgiveness of one another…..I forgive you and I ask for your forgiveness.

5. Comfort and help your spouse heal as Christ comforts and heals the church: Just as Jesus comforts and heals the sick (Anointing of the Sick) husbands and wives are to comfort and help each other heal through mutual support, understanding, and care….I comfort you and help you heal.

6. Serve your spouse as Christ serves the church: Just as Jesus came to serve and washed his disciple’s feet, and today he calls us to follow his example in the sacraments of holy order and matrimony, in marriage husbands and wives are to serve God, each other, their family, and their communities…. I am at your service and at God’s service.

As Jean Vanier has written “ The language of love that leads to communion is spoken with our whole body.” it is not so abstract but concrete. “Our words and our attentive silence, our touch and our facial expressions are all forms of communication through which we build bridges, take down our masks, reveal who we are, and reach out to one another.” Bosio states: “it is through our body that we let our spouse know that we care, that we understand and that we trust. It is through the medium of our body that our souls connect with each other (55).” It is the soul that reaches out to the beloved’s soul and through the body, leads to intimate exchanges of love. It is through the gift of the self to the other and for the other that expresses this spiritual communion. “The body becomes the sacrament of our love, and when our love is modeled on Christ’s love, our union becomes a sacrament of God’s love” (55).

The transformation of a relationship that is True Love and an Interpersonal Communion is when two people are with and for each other all the time. when you succeed in this, when your relationship becomes your home, your refuge from the daily stresses, and the sanctuary where you meet God, this is True Love. In this, you will find joy. A marriage that reflects this is one based on Divine love, is a foretaste of heaven, gives you deep inner joy: True Joy and is a reflection of Divine Joy. The grace of the Holy Spirit is what makes this possible, the grace of the Holy Spirit guides us and gives us the courage to open our heart to the other and the strength to change habits and behaviors… that help us to overcome selfish tendencies and transforms our relationship into an interpersonal communion.

The next question is What do these 6 pieces truly include and look like concretely in every day life?

Find out in our next post!

Based on Happy Together by John Bosio )

With Analysis, Insight, Writing and Perspective by Mary E. Grenchus

If you would like to go deeper into transforming your relationships, please sign up for one of our Coaching Programs and we will be more than happy to help you through!

____

Come Join Us for World Meeting Of Families: WMOF2022 !!! To find out about how to attend in-person vs. virtually, go HERE